Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Open Letter to DSTV

OK OK - I'm always grinding my teeth about the bollocks they dish (pun intended) up on DSTV, and how they never get tired of telling us how wonderful they are. 

So finally, I'm doing something about it. In response to (another) stupid mail from DSTV / Multichoice telling us all the wonderful things they're doing, monkeying about with the channels, they're introducing more new channels - for premium DSTV subscribers only (of course). So - I gave my teeth an extra grind, and this is what I came up with. Feel free to clap and add your voice in acclaiming the stupidity and greed of DSTV.

(Come to think of it, it's a wonderful misnomer : "multichoice". Should be "Hobson's choice")

I've blanked the expletives to protect those of tender disposition who read my blogs (not that anyone who likes to read my blogs, should have a tender disposition of course, but one never knows)

Dear Collins 

What a ridiculous f*** nut you are, and what a stupid f***ing organisation you work for. And the most stupid of all are the bloody silly DSTV clients who continually seem to support you, by ogling blankly at the 55th rerun of the same f**king dumb movie  /repeated documentary (instead of showing some of the many others available) / repeated sitcom ad-nauseam (like "all in the family" which, I grant you, is only about 32 years old) / repeated "best of the week" (what a joke) which you use as an excuse to fill up weekend screening with repeats /repeated this, repeated that, repeated repeats phu*k it. Silent f.

Get a grip - you lot are a sad excuse for "entertainment". The only reason I have a dish is because the bloody reception is so poor in this part of the country that in order to see anything at all, it has to be via satellite - even sad little SABC TV (which I actually think is one and the same as DSTV - they have all the hallmarks of being the same organisation with the same dumb reruns). 

We started with DSTV premium. Then when we found it to be nothing more than endless crap. Like "Have a look up Pam Anderson's ass on "E" for entertainment, or maybe Zone reality let-me-examine-your-bowel-movements at the spa of embarrassing diseases - or maybe "my life as a drain unblocker" or whatever you f*#king call it), or other crap like American Pie 643 (the other 642 preceding it were crap too), or Aw Shit it's f*#king Schuster (again), or There's yet Another f*#king Zulu on my stoep for the 55th time who doesn't want to go away and thinks he has squatting rights, or "I still think I know you think I know I know I know what you think you know I did last summer" (you don't actually have a clue what I did last summer, but there's no convincing you that you don't, you clueless dumb shit), or crap like Muhummad Ali beats the shit out of George Foreman (again) in Zaire on your apologetic "call back the past" sport channel, or strongest man from 1953 held in outer Mongolia. Or maybe crap like a whole f#*king month of the goddam Tour de France (haven't you worked it out yet - watching bike riding is oh-so- boring, like watching paint dry. They all diddle around playing follow my leader for 273 miles and then sprint like hell in the last 150 yards. Gimme strength. And your documentaries are a yawn. We saw all of them in the first 6 months that we were premium subscribers, and the we started saying "didn't we see this before?"  - and we were right - we had. There are a zillion great doccies out there, if you bunch of clueless ar$eholes weren't such tightwad shitheads, being too mean to actually buy some decent programming. The $ sign is subliminal - I'm hoping against hope you get the message...

And then you spend hours showing us these ditzy stupid DSTV commercials - one after the other, telling us how fv<cking wonderful you are with A to Z's to try and make us believe you. Purely in the interest of brevity, I enjoy watching the stupid DSTV commercials once (note : ONCE), because they essentially take the best moments (there are very few best moments) in the last 10 years'  entertainment and cram them into 1 min 15 seconds. I therefore no longer need to watch the programs, because I've seen the good bits already. 

Here's an A to Z for your next advert 

A   Arseholes i.e all the DSTV viewers who support you arseholes
B   Bullshit which we dish up to you, the viewer
C   Crap - all of us at Multichoice and DSTV who take your hard earned cash in exchange for this. 
D   Dud Decoders which need daily resetting. Shit, just like the stuff we show you through them
E   Entertainment? Not really - More like Excrement. Or Extortion
F   Free to air - which never is on DSTV. Free = worthless, but even your worthless isn't free.
G  Gullible viewers
H  Hollywood channels you pay for on demand, instead of DSTV showing you for the money you already paid
I    Irritating - very irritating 
J   Joke. It's on DSTV - and the idiots who keep on paying you over and over and over and...geddit?
K  Knuckleheaded viewers.
L   Liars at DSTV who don't listen to the knuckleheaded viewers
M  Moronic programming
N   N is for Nothing (as usual) to watch on DSTV 
O  Oh god. Another evening of nothing to watch on DSTV. Alternatively 0 (ZERO - zilch)
P  Pay again please!
Q  Queriable Qontent  
R  Repeats - lots of them. I said REPEATS   A.K.A.  R is for Rip out what's left of my hair
S  Subscriptions which we'd like you to pay. See P
T  Twats - DSTV viewers - See A
U  Unfairly profiting from moronic viewers who put up with your shit
V  Very Irritating. Oh - I said Irritating under I didn't I? Irritating Irritating
W Waste of time watching
X   Xtra time available by not watching 
Y  ? Good question. Y exactly?
Z   ZZzzzzzz which is what DSTV makes me do

And then we have the latest stupid competition, apparently paid heed to by aforementioned dumbass DSTV viewers who actually think DSTV is great. You can see the Khumalos from Khatlehong or the Mbizi's from Maritzborough (or some other nameless git who I can never contact to find out if they actually exist and if they really did win a prize or not). Maybe it's all just fraud on your part? Instead of the promised prizes, why not spend some cash on programming?   

So - we then got rid of the premium subscription, because DSTV didn't get the point that if I pay them twice, I should not have to watch the same content twice - I should be able to watch new stuff the first time, and then get something new to watch second time etc. I mean, how would you like me to send you photocopies of my original monthly cheque payment, on the grounds that I'm sending a repeat copy of a payment in exchange for you showing repeat copies of something I've seen? Why pay you with more original hard earned cash, if you're not going to spend any of it on some new original viewing? 

So I downgrade to some other smaller amount monthly (approx R149 or whatever), and what do I get for it? Fv>k all, that's what. The Sky news channel is OK - the FIRST TIME each day. After that the news is continual rerun of the first lot of news - they must have been taking lessons from DSTV/Multichoice or whatever you call yourselves. The rest of the news is much the same, but for light relief we could watch Chinese news - but why would we want to? What's the point? F%#kall sport - that's reserved for those who you are ripping off to the hilt. On Sport 3 if you're a dumbf**k who pays mindlessly you can see nosepicking and flicking contests, or maybe even worse , the 17th different premier league football match of the day- or maybe italian league or brazilian league or whatever f#^king league you're trying to shove down our throats. What's the point of being a premium subscriber?  

What else f@*kall do we get for our money? Ah yes - I notice every really popular series got removed from MNET series so we can't watch it on our reduced package- like American idol or America's got talent, or the Apprentice or the boyfriend or whatever it was called. And what do we get in it's place? Dreck - designed to make us wish we had the premium version. I don't think so - we had it, remember? And we discovered that once you get over the hype, there's nothing to watch - the decent things we've seen and new decent things don't come on very often - but you can see the original stuff spiralling through the different channels as time passes. Yawn. Back to the umpteenth Net Geo Aircrash investigation repeat. Why have 70 (or 700, or 7000) channels, if 6999 of them are showing what used to be on the first channel 20 years ago - and at least 2000 of them are showing what was on the 1st channel last week/  month/ year / fill in time interval as appropriate ?

And then you have the temerity to send me some bullshit about your channel reshuffles and "extra" channels you're putting in for premium viewers. You have got to be out of your tiny, tiny mind. 

Now, how about pi$$ing off before I really lose my temper? Or better still, sod off to America's Hardest Prisons, since you seem to think they're so great.

yours uncordially etc.

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