Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Introverts Bite Back!

Ah! The much- maligned and misunderstood Introvert. The modern world doesn't understand introverts (or doesn't want to), because the marketing message being drummed into everyone's heads all the time is that extrovert = good, introvert = bad.

Take a look at all the dumb ads on TV these days. Hennessy and parties. Miller Lite and parties. Peter Stuyvesant and girls and skiing and parties (if one actually sees a tobacco ad these days - which is rare). Booze - any booze - girls and parties. And parties and parties and girls and parties. Get the picture?

And everyone - I said EVERYONE is having a great old time. All boozing and jumping and sunning themselves on luxury yachts and smiling like idiots who have been infected with tetanus.

The problem is, there are approximately 50% of the world's population who are introverts. They're not partying. They're thinking. And they're thinking some serious thoughts. The artists, scientists, mathematicians, some politicians = mostly introverts. And a good thing too - somebody has to think in this rather superficial, apparently fairly brainless, impulsive world full of rabid consumers.

G is an introvert - almost completely 100%. But she has some real, genuine luminaries in her list of fellow introverts. Makes my list look a little tired and has-been. I'm jealous.

So - in tribute to all the introverts out there, this wonderful little thought:

Now there's a thought!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Cummonamos and Other Stories

Ok - so we ended up getting another dog. That makes 2, which is hardly overwhelming. Plus the cats, which is um ah... still quite manageable - as long as everyone minds their P's and Q's.

Amos is a Peke, and Amos is a rescue dog. And Amos is now OURS - and we love him to bits. He was found trotting down the road in a dishevelled condition en-route to the freeway whereupon he would have been run over, or grabbed by a member of the (sub-economic) township through which he was travelling and transformed into a mange-ridden township dog.

But he wasn't - he was spotted and taken into care by a member of the local animal welfare (good for them - I wish the animal fancies would put their money and time where their hypocritical mouths are, and devote both to assisting animal rescue in our country-but they don't, of course  - it's left to the tireless and underfunded volunteers whose heart is bigger than their wallets but who will never stop in their quest to alleviate animal suffering. I don't know what we'd do without them).

Anyway- although rather grubby and a bit stinky at present - he is in one piece and a wonderful placid boy he is. As soon as his stitches from his neuter operation are removed, he will be bathed and the stinky will be but a distant memory....

Why Amos? Because he sticks like glue to us (Amos is a local brand of adhesives). The fact that we decided to get another dog as a companion for our ageing but sprightly crossbreed dog, is of course, entirely irrelevant to Amos. He, like most Pekes, is a mixture of human, cat and dog. And Amos regards himself as human first and foremost, and dog a very sorry second (or third, perhaps).

Ho no! Not a "dog" at all. Amos is a human, who lies on his back right next to the water dish and enjoys having his tummy rubbed (and caressed by the breeze). The matting round the ears and underarms/legs and around the bum necessitated a shave, and we broadened this to the entire stomach area - for which we are being thanked by his obvious enjoyment of lying around on his back with his legs in the air - fast asleep, of course.

When we arrived, he had an earset like an Alsatian - courtesy of the tennis ball sized mats behind and below each ear. Thank goodness for no.7 skip-tooth blades.....At the end of it, he could flap his ears around like the best of them!

- He rarely barks - there's no point - everything is to his liking, so why complain?
- He chats a bit - mainly to G and never to me. Consists of long loudish vowel sounds, like this : OOEEEAAAAAHH, EEEEEOOAAAAHHAAEEA (get the picture)? You can practice the same effect in front of your bathroom mirror before bed.  Fill mouth with potent breath freshener - so. Tilt head back 40 degrees, and just when you feel like you are about to drown, blow melodiously through the back of the throat and up through the enveloping liquid, in loud stentorious tones : AAAAAAAAAOOOGGHHHAAH. Try it in ascending notes to get the full rich effect. Try not to inhale during this process - it might be a little ....shall we say...unfortunate. But Amos has it down to a T.
- He has absolutely no recognition of other dogs. How could he? He's human, after all. Amos would never condescend to be a mere dog. Ugh!

But what of poor old Sparkie, the ageing crossbreed, in whose name Amos ultimately arrived? Have you ever noticed that just when you think your animals are going to react in a particular manner, they always surprise you and do exactly the opposite to what you expect? So it was yesterday with the regal arrival of Amos. "I can't wait to see how they get on together - wheeee!!!"

Yeah - right. Sparkie and Amos exchanged anal greetings (the normal type of dog thing) and then proceeded to ignore each other completely. "That's not a dog" "I don't know you".  At the very least I might have expected something like:

"Holy shit. A dog. What the @*ck is a dog doing in my backyard? Who put it here, and when will it be leaving?"

What we got was "Ho hum. a dog. hopefully it will be like the others that sometimes come here for some R&R and then bugger off after a week or so. zzzzzz".

And from Amos' side we got "hmmm - interesting. If in fact anyone is interested in a dog. I'm not. Time to get back inside. Sleep calls"

And of course, like all Pekes, he has to think everything is his idea, before he condescends to pay any attention. Otherwise all entreaties will fall on deaf ears. Like "c'mon Amos - let's go - c'mon c'mon!!" whistle whistle. Which is met by an interested stare from under the mop and the lad then sinks gratefully onto the ground for another 40 winks. Pffffh.

And what do the cats think? Ow! They know a dog when they see one - even one with as regal a bearing and placid exterior as Amos. Scatter unto the four winds! Some of them did indeed scatter, and a few didn't. One of the lads is as laid-back as they come and didn't give a tinker's cuss. A few give him a wide berth for now - just in case. And a couple are feeding on the window sills because they don't want to set foot in case the dreaded hairy monster sets upon them and attacks like a rabid vampire. But they'll get over it - time heals many wounds, and indignities, like bringing another dog into the household.

List of Amos doggie to do's: 

- Amos not chase the cats
- Amos not schnapp when they schniff me
- Amos take a bath one of these days
- Amos not eat the kittyfood

He's the model of modern respectability. I suppose we need someone in the household who is.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

DEBT Recovery 101

I have the occasional flash of humour that flows into my pen, and I was thinking about an issue I came across with a client who got hung out ot dry with an unscrupulous non-payer. Y'know - the type of person / business who drags out payment with all sorts of smarmy nonsense excuses like:

"I went to pay you, but your dog ate the cash, before I could get to your front door"   or
"I have paid - I did the bank transfer yesterday" (but of course they haven't) or possibly
"I have been meaning to pay you but I first HAVE to get a misunderstanding sorted out with one of your incorrect bills, before I do so"  (thus blaming you for not being paid)

Today, I devised a little note to send to a (former) debtor, when you have finally wrung some money out of them, threatening them with a fate worse than death if they didn't comply :

"Gawrsh! Payment!!

"Dear ex-Debtor

Thank you so much for actually paying me recently. It's such a pity I have to get all grindy with the teeth and shout and scream to get money out of you. But then again, it wasn't actually ME shouting and screaming at you. It was another guy who really (I said REALLY) has a fkucing short fuse.

He's the guy I buy my ink cartridges from, and unlike me, he's not at all nice and patient when it comes to getting cash out of people. In fact he's a right BASTARD (in mile high capitals). He smiles a lot, but is known to resort to extreme violence when provoked. So you don't want to get him angry.

Which reminds me - I'm about to send off some more goodies for you. It may be nice if you pay promptly, because I need to buy ink from him, and I'd HATE to have to make him angry with you so soon after the last time. He's got google street view, you know. He's been having a squizz at the front of your home, as well as the shop. I sort of think of him as "my little birdie"......

Yours uncompromisingly,

Ms Ex - Creditor

I was extremely tickled to get the following response from the unfortunate person who was being hung out to dry :

Thank god I don't have a lap top

because I just spat a mouthful of tea onto the keyboard.
this is delicious.
I wish I could send it.

This letter should grace the pages of mad magazine.
you would be their prize writer.

And now that I've blogged it, both she, and you dear reader, should feel happy to use it - you got it off the internet in the public domain, after all! Enjoy - may your recovery from debt, and of your debt be painless and carefree...