Thursday, November 1, 2012

DEBT Recovery 101

I have the occasional flash of humour that flows into my pen, and I was thinking about an issue I came across with a client who got hung out ot dry with an unscrupulous non-payer. Y'know - the type of person / business who drags out payment with all sorts of smarmy nonsense excuses like:

"I went to pay you, but your dog ate the cash, before I could get to your front door"   or
"I have paid - I did the bank transfer yesterday" (but of course they haven't) or possibly
"I have been meaning to pay you but I first HAVE to get a misunderstanding sorted out with one of your incorrect bills, before I do so"  (thus blaming you for not being paid)

Today, I devised a little note to send to a (former) debtor, when you have finally wrung some money out of them, threatening them with a fate worse than death if they didn't comply :

"Gawrsh! Payment!!

"Dear ex-Debtor

Thank you so much for actually paying me recently. It's such a pity I have to get all grindy with the teeth and shout and scream to get money out of you. But then again, it wasn't actually ME shouting and screaming at you. It was another guy who really (I said REALLY) has a fkucing short fuse.

He's the guy I buy my ink cartridges from, and unlike me, he's not at all nice and patient when it comes to getting cash out of people. In fact he's a right BASTARD (in mile high capitals). He smiles a lot, but is known to resort to extreme violence when provoked. So you don't want to get him angry.

Which reminds me - I'm about to send off some more goodies for you. It may be nice if you pay promptly, because I need to buy ink from him, and I'd HATE to have to make him angry with you so soon after the last time. He's got google street view, you know. He's been having a squizz at the front of your home, as well as the shop. I sort of think of him as "my little birdie"......

Yours uncompromisingly,

Ms Ex - Creditor

I was extremely tickled to get the following response from the unfortunate person who was being hung out to dry :

Thank god I don't have a lap top

because I just spat a mouthful of tea onto the keyboard.
this is delicious.
I wish I could send it.

This letter should grace the pages of mad magazine.
you would be their prize writer.

And now that I've blogged it, both she, and you dear reader, should feel happy to use it - you got it off the internet in the public domain, after all! Enjoy - may your recovery from debt, and of your debt be painless and carefree...